Damaged Egos and Anti Twins
by Slytherin5
Summary: Harry, Hermione, Ron and draco are given a Potions assignment. It is supposed to be easy, but it goes wrong with bizarre consequences. Lots 'o' funny, please R/R if you love Draco and his bastardness.
1. The Nightmare Begins

~* Yes, my psychotic little mind has come up with another psychotic little plot line. HOOORAY PSYCHOS! I hope you like this story, I worked pretty hard on the crazy plot line.*~ 

Damaged Egos and Anti Twins

Chapter 1: The nightmare begins

            The dream team walked into the potions classroom five minutes early, as most syrupy little over achieving Gryffindors do. They took their seats in the front of the class, not because Harry and Ron wanted too, but because the little micro managing fuzz ball wanted to (a.k.a. Hermione). They took their seats and Ron took a power nap, while Harry thought about Cho in his perverted little psyche, and Hermione cracked open a dictionary and started to gleefully memorize every word in the English tongue. Five minutes later, right on cue, Snape barged in, followed by the last lingering students (all of which were Slytherins who would not be punished for the tardiness).

"Today we will be starting a new unit on the superfluous topic of cosmetic potions." Snape started in his cold drawl. Lavender and Parvati squealed with delight, until Snape shot them a shut-up-you-stupid-girls-I'm-old –and-bitter-because-these-potions-will-never-cure-my-ugliness sort of glare. They shut up immediately (out of pity and fear). 

"Now, the first one we will start with is simple. It is a simple magic shampoo that clears away dander and cures split ends…" Snape started again, moving to the chalk board.

"_I wonder if it de-oils…" _Ron whispered to Harry through a giggle. Harry started to snort, and on reflex Snape yelled out "73 points from Gryffindor!" as his neck tweaked. Ron and Harry sighed as Snape went back to his long twang on how to correctly make the potion. Hermione and Neville frantically took notes, as Snape told them that if they messed up his perfectly simple potion that he would give them a detention worse then any other. It would be so awful that it would be recorded in the almighty book of detentions worse then death (which resided in the library). 

"…Your potion will be a dark fuchsia if you do it correctly. So indications of a mass screw up would be if your potion changed color…" Snape said.

"Well, that doesn't seem too bad!" Harry said.

"…followed by an explosion of mass intensity with uncertain consequences." Snape finished with a nasty smirk.

"You were saying?" Hermione said, her face a greenish white. If Snape was going to pair up the students like he usually did, he would pair her up with Neville, the amazing human fuck up. 

"Now, since many students have complained of the way I've been pairing everyone up for our projects, I've decided to go about it in a different way. You will be put into groups of four, and at the end of the period you will have to test out your shampoo. The groups are as follows: Parkinson, Bullstrode, Patil and Brown…" Lavender and Parvati looked over at the smiling Millicent and Pansy, who gave each other a high five, as if they had won two brand new minions. 

"Zambini, Longbottom, Goyle, and Thomas…" 

"_Poor Neville. Their potion will fail for sure!_" Hermione whispered in distress. 

"_Well, our chances look good, Seamus still doesn't have a partner…_" Ron whispered.

"Granger, Potter, Weasley…"

"_YEAH!_" Harry whispered.

"…and Malfoy."

"_Damn it!_" Ron said, slamming his fist on the workbench. 

"Crabbe, Finnigan…" Snape continued, pretending to ignore Ron's comment of repugnance. Everyone got into their groups, the dream team forced to come over to the self-righteous looking (sexy) Draco.

"So, you'll be making my potion…" Draco said with a sly grin. 

"No, we will each be doing equal parts Draco." Hermione reprimanded. Draco scoffed and put his feet up on the workbench.

"Non of you will ever be equal to me in any sense." He said starting to point to each one of them, "You Granger will never have the magical status as me, you Weasley will never be as rich and famous as me, and you Potter will never have the dashing good looks like me." He said, pausing while he let his little bastardly comments sink in, "and when did I give you the right to call me by my first name Mudblood?" he said, getting up from his seat and looking at Hermione with repulsion. Ron's face went red and he raised his fist.

"Take that back Malfoy, or I'll beat you to a pulp of gooey white Malfoy paste!"

"Eww, do you know what you just described? Calm down Weasel, and go gather our ingredients! Shoo shoo!" he said to Ron with little fluttery hand movements.

"Now, you obviously are going to need my help, so, let's look at the first steps…" Draco said. They started to fuss over the potion and within minutes they were all bickering over the ingredients.

"Potter, you only need one cup of newt eye serum!" Draco snapped, as Harry accidentally poured in two cups.

"Ron, you're supposed to stir it every five minutes! Do you _want it to burn!" Hermione barked, frantically stirring the potion._

"Damn it Granger! You're stirring it too fast!" Draco yelled, taking the stirring staff from her.

"Hey, is it supposed to be that color?" Ron said, pointing to the potion that was now a bright teal. They all leaned in closer to get a better look of the potion.

"No…it's supposed to be fu"

BOOM

The room vibrated as Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco's cauldron exploded. The floor within a ten foot radius of their cauldron was covered in a thick teal goop, as were the group. As the smoke cleared, Snape came over coughing and waving the smoke out of is face.

"WHAT HAPPENED!" he demanded as the four goopy students each pointed fingers at a different member of the group. Snape rubbed his temples and pointed to the water basin in the back of the room.

"Clean up…now!" he said through a sigh. They all pulled them selves up off the floor and trudged their dripping selves to the back of the room.

"This is your entire fault Potter!" Draco said, as he washed off his face and hair.

"Shut up Malfoy!" Harry said as he took off his glasses and washed out his hair. As he did so, he could hear muffled screams around him through the water. He popped his head out and fumbled for a towel. He dried his hair and cleaned off his glasses, only to find everyone pointing and laughing at the quartet. Harry looked at his group members in awe. Hermione turned around to face the mirror in utter horror, as did the other three.

"_What happened to our hair!_" Hermione screamed.

~*Next chapter will have much funny.*~


	2. The New Dos and the Worst Detention Eva!

~* Mwuahahahaha I am so cool. You must bow to my every will! Silly Muggles. Anyway, I am so cool that I have decided to be nice and give you another chapter. Enjoy.*~

Damaged Egos and Anti Twins

Chapter 2: The New Dos and the worst Detention Eva!

            Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco all gawked at their reflections.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Draco howled, grabbing his hair and trying to pull it out. Snape grabbed his wrists and held them away from Draco's head.

"Keep yourself together man!" Snape bellowed.

"But, but look at my hair!" Draco wailed. It was true; the reflection in the mirror was quite astonishing. Instead of the sexy platinum blonde hair that usually fell atop the god like cranium of Draco Malfoy, it was replaced with non other then a bunch of shaggy red locks…much like Ron's. Harry's Hair was the same length, but instead of the thin messy black hair he usually had, it had turned into a shaggy brown afro…much like Hermione's hair texture. Ron's vibrant red hair (which the author of this fanfic absolutely adores) had turned into an exact replica of Harry's previous hair. Hermione's hair had uncurled, and become much longer due to that fact alone, and had become the color of a veela's…kind of like Draco's.

"How did this happen!?" Harry cried, patting his new fro like do.

"Something must have gone wrong with the potion…" Ron said, admiring his new sexy look. The dark look was so him…

"_No shit Sherlock_!" Draco said through his sobbing, as he lay in a heap on the floor. His dignity and ego severely bruised, Draco got up off the floor and walked over to Snape's desk.

"Excuse me Mr. Malfoy, but just what do you think you are doing rummaging through my belongings!" Snape asked, as Draco opened all the drawers in his desk.

"Scissors! NEED SCISSORS!" he said, dumping the contents of the drawer clearly labeled "pointy objects of torture" on the desk.

"Stop that right now!" Snape said as the latest issue of bondage weekly dropped out of the drawer. Snape frantically hid the magazine of sadomasochist fun time, as Draco schlumped over to the other three, tears welling up in his eyes. Everyone in the room was still giggling at them and pointing as Ron tried to look dashing in the mirror.

"I am a sexy beast!" Ron said in his best Austin Powers accent (and since he'd never seen Austin Powers, that's saying something).

"You're welcome." Harry said. 

"Alright, it's detention for all four of you! And a million points from each house, because I am a sadistic bastard and I gave you simple instructions! You muddled up worse then that git Longbottom ever could! And he does quite I lot of freagin' muddling!" Snape snapped, using the ever popular phrase "freagin'" that Dr. Evil tended to use, and therefore made popular in the evilness world. Everyone in the hair challenged group looked disconcerted, and started to become very interested in the stone floor. Snape started to breathe heavily through his nostrils, and tried to calm himself.

"Ms. Parkinson, you're in charge; I have to take these four to their detentions, which will start now! Make sure everyone gets back to work, and get some of that goop in a test tube. I'll need to start working on a bloody freagin' antidote tonight." Snape said, walking out of the dungeons with the not so sexy group of freagin' potion screw uppers. 

~*~

Snape led them down to (or rather up to) the basement, where he stood in front of the giant fruit painting.

"Where are we?" Draco asked, now wielding a hat that said "I love ferrets" in bold green letters.

"The kitchens." Harry, Ron, Hermione and Snape said in harmony. Snape looked at the three musketeers with angry astonishment, as they innocently rocked on their heals, and whistled "Mary had a little lamb". Snape tickled the pear and the painting swung open. He led them in, Draco looking and feeling like he was on another planet.

"I've never been in a kitchen before…" he said idly, walking around and looking at all the "shiny" instruments in which his food was made. 

"For tonight's dinner, the house elves will be preparing stew. Except, you will be helping them." Snape said, gesturing to all the bustling elves.

"_That's not bad at all! I help me mum with dinner all the time! This is the detention that is supposed to go in the "Almighty Book of Detentions Worse then Death"?_" Ron asked, Harry and Hermione.

"You will be helping them by cutting and peeling the 200 onions required for the stew." Snape said, another one of his famous clichéd fanfic I'm-a-bad-guy malicious grins crossing his face.

"_Damn it_!" the trio of Voldemort embarrassers murmured in unison. Cutting onions meant crying as your eyes burst into flames, trying to cut the blasted vegetables as your vision was compromised by the ever present tears that were involved with the act.  Snape swept out of the kitchen in a very SWOOSHY way, leaving the foursome to gape at the mountain of nasty stingy veggies from HELL. 

"How do you prepare onions?" Draco asked in an uncharacteristically innocent manner. Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at each other with the same mischievous glare. As if they shared a brain, the put their cruelty to work.

"Well, you see Draco, first you take an onion, and you peel it…" Hermione said, offering him an onion. Draco fussed over the onion for about ten minutes, digging his nails into the flakey yet sturdy skin of the onion, and ripping off piece by piece.

"Then, you cut it in half…" Harry said, handing Draco a dull spork. 

"Why don't I use I knife?" Draco asked, looking at the wimpy little plastic spork. Harry gasped in a very fakey fake way.

"Draco! Do you want to bruise the poor little onion?" Harry asked, stroking the somewhat mutilated onion. 

"No…" Draco said, slowly starting to stab the onion with the spork.

"Ok, now you're gonna want to breathe through your nose while you're at this part Draco. Onions, when first cut, can give you a nasty taste in your mouth if the fumes touch your tongue." Ron said in an equally fakey fake voice.

"Ok…" Draco said. The first waif of smelly onion hit Draco like a ton of bricks.

"AHHHHHHHH! MY EYES!" Draco wailed, much to the delight of the three dorkateers. Draco stupidly started to rub his eyes with his saturated onion fingers, only making the agonizing pain ten times worse. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he yelled, his eyes totally blood shot. He was able to spot a house elf walking bye with a large jug of blue kool-aid (why you ask? Who cares, GO KOOL-AID!). He threw off his ferret lover cap and grabbed the jug of kool-aid and doused his open eyes with the flood of icy cool goodness. He fell to his knees and let his eyes water and recover from the trauma that had just been inflicted upon him by his worst enemies. Hermione, Harry and Ron laughed as the Draco show of pain ended, and went into the process of properly cutting onions with the lack of crying; washing the onion in warm water while peeling and then cutting whilst wearing cool sun glasses (hey that's how I do it!). Draco ended up only cutting two more onions, saying that he was permanently distressed by his first encounter with the evil veggie, and spent the rest of the detention in a dark corner of the kitchen with Winky, tweaking and muttering about how he hated vegetables.


	3. Damn Peers

~* More funniness! HOOOORAY FUNNINESS! Yeah, so Draco looks like Ron, Ron looks like Harry, Harry looks like Hermione, and Hermione looks like Draco? Will the insanity never end!?*~

Damaged Egos and Anti Twins

Chapter 3: Damn Peers!

From Draco's Perspective:

            Damn them all! Damn them all to HELL! ARGH! Can't they see it's me! The sexy heir to the Malfoy throne!? So what if my Hair color changed! I was still a sexy bastard! GRRR! Snape was taking too long to make that bloody antidote! It had been three freagin' weeks! I tried walking through the halls without my cap, and just slicking back the red locks that were a prick in my side. I would wink at the sexy girls I always did, but this time they looked at me lie I was a piece of pond scum, not even pond scum, the little hairs that grow on pond scum. Not even that, the lice on the hairs on the pond scum! So, I put the cap back on. I actually had a couple caps. I had one that said "I love ferrets" and the one that said "(cough, cough) MUGGLE (cough, cough)" and the other one that said "I am Draco Malfoy, sexiest Slytherin alive! Bow to my ever will and I shall not smite you!" in large blinking letters with an arrow that jutted out and pointed to my head (which blinked also). Even my Slytherin brethren, my most trusted friends, were treating me like the lice on the hair of the pond scum! Those back stabbers! And those damn onions were terrorizing my dreams! I would go to sleep, and start dreaming about how great I would look with a crown that said "I'm the king of the world! Bow to my ever will and I shall not smite you!" and then everything gets dark. I see hundreds of little green eyes, and then the light comes back on. ONIONS! ONIONS EVERYWHERE! With huge green onion teeth, and huge green onions claws. They spit acid in my eyes and I run, run blindly, like a chicken with my head cut off.  They catch me and sing a crazed onion song of triumph! The horror. Well, back to my hair dilemma. I tried bleaching my hair…but to my horror, it didn't work. My hair just turned…pink. PINK! Slytherins do not have pink freagin' hair! So, I wear my hats. How far I have fallen…so very, very far.

From Ron's Perspective:

            Hell Yeah! Finally, Ronny boy, the side kick to the famous boy who lived has his moment of glory! The girls! So many beautiful girls! Everywhere I turn, there are sexy ass bitches saying "Ron, would you like me to do your homework?", "Ron, can I feed you?", Ron can I do your laundry?", "Ron can I do YOU?". And the answer to every one of those questions was a big, fat "HELLYEAH"! I am keeping this hair style, I don't care if Snape _does_ find that antidote! I was now dead sexy. My freckles had disappeared and my sexy o'meter was hitting the ceiling! Oh, and to make the deal any sweeter, Malfoy was fucking miserable with my hair color! HAHAHA! Now you get to see what it's like you nutter snake! And he made the mistake Charlie did in his fifth year, he tried bleaching it! The git.

From Harry's Perspective:

            Why me? Why did I have to get stuck with Hermione's hair? Why not Draco? Not that he wasn't having a tough time anyway, but I looked like a flash back from the 70s. I had an afro. Harry Potter the amazing boy who lived but apparently got shocked by Voldemort's wand, because he has an afro and a scar. Go me… While Ron basked in the beauty of every sexy woman in Hogwarts (including Cho [back stabber!]), I was left to bask in the affection of Crookshanks. Lucky me…

From Hermione's Perspective:

            "I'm so pretty!" was the first thing I thought once I got used to my new hair. It was longer and blonde! Who doesn't want long blonde hair! Boys started noticing me, and kept thinking I was a Veela. This was fabulous…for a while. Then they started asking me out, and buying me flowers, and then fighting over me. Literally, as I walk through the halls fights break out. I have a dozens of bouquets in my dorm, and a black eye or broken jaw for each one in the hospital wing. Every where I went there were at least five boys gagging to ask me out. I had to start wearing shirts I used to mock and scoff at. Like the one I'm wearing now says "In your dreams!" and the one I wore yesterday said "Can't you see I'm too good for you!" and last week I actually went as far to wear one that said "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M A LESBIAN?!" I can't just be left alone to read a bloody book or do my homework. I don't really have to do my homework though, since all the seventh year prefects are begging to do my homework for me. I guess it's not that bad…


	4. Advancements and Astonishments

~* Tee-hee…This chapter shall be much fun. It's from third person again, so no funny perspectives. Well I hope you like it. I'm not good at these author's notes things.*~ 

Damaged Egos and Anti Twins

Chapter 4: Advancements and Astonishments

            Meals were the worst time for the cranium challenged. Walking into the great hall was like walking into a pit of lobster! Evil lobsters, ready to pinch and poke at your self-esteem. Of course, for Ron and Hermione, it was more like walking into a pit of flowers and cottony fluff. Everyone adored them and wanted to glomp them. Hermione, Harry and Ron all walked into the great hall together, everyone swooning over the sexy Ron and sexy (gag) Hermione. Harry schlumped behind them, mumbling something about how he wished everyone was blind. They took their seats at the middle of the table (save Harry, who was shoved to the end of the table by all the swooning boys and girls).

"This is just peachy…" Harry muttered to himself, stabbing a roll with his steak knife until it was a pile of crummy dust. 

"That's not a healthy habit there Potter. They have a therapist here if you want to vent." Draco said from behind Harry.

"What do you want Malfoy?" Harry asked, not turning to look at him. Draco sighed and sat in front of Harry, togged up in a new cap that said "Weed is a Wizard's Aspirin". Harry laughed as Draco rolled his eyes, trying to keep his head down so as none of his previous concubines would see him at the Gryffindor table.

"Why are you here?" Harry said through a laugh and a bite of macaroni n' cheese and weenies. 

"I've been exiled. Banished from my own table! The back stabbers!" Draco grumbled, dishing up a plate of the gooey-ooey cheesy goodness.

"God, you Gryffindors must really be loser! We have lobster, caviar and Champaign at our table!" he said spitefully, pouring himself a goblet of Hawaiian punch kool-aid (HOOORAY KOOL-AID). Draco and Harry's attention turned to Hermione and Ron and their little fan clubs as Ron said another one of his over done jokes (all the little brainless zombies laughing). 

"Honestly, you all need to get laid…" Draco said, tentatively taking a bite of the repulsive muggle food. Harry laughed and took bite of his weenie (A/N: ::cough, cough:: HOMO ::cough, cough::) Just then Seamus bounded over. 

"Hiya Harry! Is this Slytherin gobdaw reefing you?" Seamus asked in his undecipherable Irish slang, cracking his knuckles and glaring at Draco. Dean and Neville came up behind him and tried to look angry at Draco. They just came off as expressions of "Ooo, I don't like you and therefore shall steal your socks!" kind of looks. 

"No, thank you Seamus…Draco and I are in this together." Harry said, "_Plus, his Slytherin cronies think his pink hair is side-splitting yet utterly embarrassing…"_ he whispered. 

"Oh, shut up Potter!" Draco snapped, sipping his Kool-aid.

"Oh, Draco, I just remembered, would you care for some onion soup?" Seamus asked, pulling out a hot steamy bowl of onion soup out from behind him and shoving it up to Draco's nose. Draco shrieked as his vivid dreams of demonic onions flashed through his head, and he threw the evil soup at the wall next to him. The four Gryffindors started to laugh as Draco just tweaked watching the onions streaked down the wall. 

"Feck off Finnigan, and go get your Prozac!" (The reference to Seamus on Prozac is from Sharon Armstrong's _Draco Malfoy the Amazing bouncing …rat? Which I **highly recommend to all Draco fans. It is an uproarious fic that is well worth reading!)  Draco said in his best Irish accent. Seamus scoffed and turned back to Harry.**_

"Well, it was a gas Harry, but I desperately need to go to the Jacks!" Seamus said, doing a veritable potty dance where he stood.

"Good, I was waiting for you to HUMP OFF!" Draco yelled as Seamus headed out of the Great Hall towards the loo.

"Please tell me you weren't inviting him…" Harry started.

"You really need to brush up on your Irish slang Potter!" Draco spat, grabbing a package of twinkies and opening them.  Snape strolled up to Harry and Draco and leaned over so as he could whisper to the both of them without anyone else hearing.

"_Tomorrow morning, meet me in my office, I have something for you both…_" he said, walking away just as quickly as he had arrived. 

"Now, that was an invitation!" Draco said in a cheeky tone. Harry shrugged, and grabbed a snickers bar. 

~*~

            The Gryffindor group of do gooders tentatively walked into the empty potions classroom at 4:30 AM the next morning, to find Snape and Draco hovering over a simmering copper cauldron (then, it wasn't empty now was it?). 

"Finally!" Snape snapped (I love that saying [SNAPE SNAPPED]). They came and sat next to them, and cautiously peered into the contents of the cauldron. It was back in looked like tar…and smelled like moldy socks.

"Is that the antidote?" Harry asked with disgust. 

"Yes, and be grateful! Unless of course, you want to look like a rabid poodle for the rest of your life!" Snape barked. He started to ladle the goopy moldy-sock tar into a bottle and handed it to Draco.

"Go wet your hair and laver for five minutes." He ordered.

"NO!" Ron said, clutching his sexy do.

"GO WEASLEY!" Snape barked again (A/N: When ever I read the phrase "Snape barked", I always get a vivid mental picture of a greasy poodle barking at me from behind a jagged chain link fence…) They all started to walk towards the basin, and Hermione could of sworn that she heard Snape murmur "_I hope this works…"_

They all wet their hair and started to lather, the smelly-smell of smelly socks sinking into the core of each one of their strands of hair. The scalps started to tingle, and then itch…and then BURN!

"ARGH!" Draco grr-ed, rinsing his hair with the others. They all straightened up at the same time, to their relief their natural hair colors had returned. 

"Damn!" Ron said, crossing his arms as his hair dripped on his shirt.

"Oh sexy, did you miss me? I missed you!" Draco said, fondling a strand of his hair. "Did that mud blood hurt you!?" 

_"No…"_ came a tiny voice out of no where. Draco froze as something wriggled in his hair, making it shake and quiver. Everyone gasped as a tiny head popped up from Draco's hair. 


	5. Gay Draco?

~*MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Think of the second part of the title and you might be able to guess what is going to happen next. Please review XD*~

Damaged Egos and Anti Twins

Chapter 5: Gay Draco?

            The small head stood up and untangled itself out of Draco's dripping hair.

"_A little help here_!" said the little person, stamping a foot onto Draco's head. Draco put his hand up to his scalp and the little man climbed onto it. Draco brought his hand down and everyone looked carefully at the little man. It was…a little Draco. A mini Draco! A perfectly miniature version of Draco about three inches high. He was strange though. The little Draco was wearing a purple sequined top, with matching purple leather pants and pink feather boa. H sat in Draco's palm, fussing over his drenched boa.

"_This just won't do_!" he murmured, wringing out his boa.

"OUCH!" Hermione said, breaking the gawks from mini-Draco to her. She reached into her hair and pulled out a squirming little person also, with a hand full of Hermione's hair in one hand, and a wielded middle finger on the other. 

"_Let go of me you PREP_!" she screamed in her little mini voice. Ron and Harry soon discovered little people on their scalps as well, each one very bizarre. Hermione's was a mini her, but with short spiky hair and a very punky feel to her. Harry's was like him also, but was more…fidgety then him. And Ron's, well, Ron's was full of spunk. 

"Um, professor?" Hermione called in a worried voice as the little mini her kicked her thumb.

"What!" Snape barked, not lifting from his magazine. 

"We have a bit of a situation here…" Harry said, as his little mini self rocked back and forth in a fetal position on his palm. Snape stomped over and looked like he was going to say something obnoxious until he saw the little people.

"Oh my word…" Snape started, "Come, bring them over here!" Snape ordered, bringing them over to the workbench. Everyone gently placed them on the table, and turned to Snape, expecting some serious answers.

"What the hell are those things that just _popped out of our bleeding heads?!" Ron demanded, pointing at his little "mini-me" that was being fondled by the "mini-Draco". _

"Anti twins." Snape said simply, rubbing his forehead, "I must have added a wrong ingredient…this isn't supposed to happen unless you want it to…of course, your hair did turn back…" Snape said, mumbling to himself as he sat down to watch the little people.

"What do you mean by "anti" twins?" Draco said with a raised eyebrow. 

"They are your exact opposites." Snape said with enthusiasm as he watched the mini-Hermione chase the mini-Harry around with a mini-switch blade. 

"I've never seen this type of reaction actual happen…" Snape said like a kid in a candy store.

"What?" Ron said, the little gears in his head working ever so hard to understand what Snape was saying.

'Here, Weasley I'll give you a demonstration," Snape snapped with irritation, "You there, what is your name?" he asked the little mini Draco.

"_Me, I'm Flako Boytoy, and I am a proud homosexual! I love boys, rainbows, muggles, and bunnies_!" Flako said proudly, putting his hands on his hips and flipping his boa over his shoulder. Draco gasped and started to go into hysterics (being as he was a proud womanizer, high-and-mighty pure blood, and evil Slytherin). The others laughed, Snape momentarily chortling, and then he moved to the next mini person, which was Ron's.

"And you?" he asked.

"_Me? I'm Jon Peasley. I'm the hero. I enjoy squishing spiders, saving people and spending my immense fortune that I've won from being an excellent Quidditch player_!" Jon said while Flako continued to stroke his biceps. Ron went red, realizing that none of his anti twin's talents were his. 

"And you?" Snape asked, stopping the homicidal mini-Hermione from killing mini-Harry. 

"_Pfft, who are you cracka_?" she scoffed, pointing at Snape with her switch blade, "_Shoot, I'm Harmony Greater, and I dropped out of school when I was twelve to join a kick ass rock band! Of course, sometimes I have to prostitute myself to put bread on the table, but it's a living, and it's all for ROCK AND ROLL!" Hermione almost collapsed as Harmony did a couple head bangs, "_I cut my hair because it was a pain, and I can do the same for you prep_!" she said to Hermione._

"Why were you chasing him?" Snape asked, pointing to the mini-Harry as he muttered nervously to himself.

"_Shoot, he's a prep! All preps should die_!" she said, looking at mini-Harry with a homicidal glint in her eyes. Snape shook his head and turned to the mini-Harry.

"And what's your name?" he asked him, expecting a good show from this one.

"_Me sir? My name is Barry Blotter, and I am manic depressive. I hate myself and the world. I'm a panophobiac and am not brave in the slightest_." Barry said, fidgeting as he looked at Harmony who was flashing her mini-switchblade so he could see it. 

"Do you have a scar?" Harry asked with anticipation. Barry shook his head. 

"Right…" Hermione said.

"_Goodbye cruel world_!" Barry screamed, running for the edge of the workbench, his arms wide spread. Everyone gasped as he dropped of the edge.

"_I'll save you_!" Jon yelled, pulling out his mini-broom and soaring to Barry's rescue. A second later, Jon reappeared on his broom, holding a flailing, screaming Barry on his lap.

"_AHHH! You're hair is red! Don't you know I'm an __Erythrophobiac_?!" He screamed. 

"_Isn't he dreamy?" Flako swooned. Harmony just gagged, and pulled out her mini-guitar and started to strum away._

"This is a little too weird…" Harry said as his anti twin made another suicide attempt. 

~*~

 After settling the anti twins down. Snape was able to explain more about them. While the anti twins munched on olives, grapes and bread crumbs, Draco, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were asking a million questions.

"Where did they some from?" Harry asked as Harmony cut open a grape. 

"Well, no one really knows, they just come from you, and are what you lack." Snape said, plucking the olive off Barry's head that he had tried to drown himself in. 

"What will happen to them? Do they stay this size?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, but within a week they will sprout wings and fly away." Snape said, pushing the olive jar away from Barry.

"Are you joking?" Ron asked incredulously.

"I kid you not…" Snape said, watching with distain as Flako scooted closer to Jon.

"So, they're fairies?" Draco asked.

"Yours is already a fairy Malfoy." Ron said through a laugh. 

"Sort of, they're not yet. It's really hard to explain, but they will not bother you long." He said, getting up and getting some clean jars from a cupboard. He stuffed them with cloth and poked holed in the lids.

"Keep them happy and healthy for the week until they grow their wings and I might consider giving you back your house points…" he said, handing them each a jar. 

"I am not taking him with me!" Draco barked, pointing at Flako. Flako just rolled his eyes, and clicked his tongue. 

"_Shoot, we can trade! I'd rather be with that sexy biotch then with Ms. Preppy here!" Harmony said._

"No, there will be no trading! You will put up with each other for the momentary time you have until the anti twins turn into fairies, end of story!" he ordered. "Now, gather up your twin, and get to class. And Potter, keep your eyes on Barry, he has…issues…" Snape ordered. And with that, they went to class. 


	6. Mini Broom

~*Hooray! Onto breakfast!*~

Damaged Egos and Anti Twins

Chapter 6: Mini Brooms

"_Uh, you guys. Do you mind if I sit with you_?" Draco whispered as they entered the great hall. 

"Why?" Hermione demanded with an air of superiority. 

"Come on Granger! If the rest of the Slytherins see this _thing," he said, shaking the jar with Flako in it, "they'll use him as a badminton birdie! And you heard Snape!" _

"Fine, just don't cause any trouble, and don't hit on anyone!" Ron said, his face flushed with anger.

"Oh, I know how much you wish to get me in bed Weasley, but I'm afraid I'm straight as pole." He said, pushing past Ron and pinching his bum sarcastically.

"_And he just happens to be the Slytherin bicycle. Everyone gets a ride_." Harry snickered into Ron's ear.

"I heard that Potta." Draco said as they sat down at the closest end of the Gryffindor table. Even though Draco was trying to keep hidden, all the girls at the Gryffindor table saw him instantly.

"Hiya Draco." Lavender said seductively as she scooted closer to him.

"Hello." Draco said giving her the once over.

"What's in the jar?" Lavender asked.

"Oh, uh, nothing!" Draco said, shoving his jar into his lap.

"Come on let me see!" Lavender said, reaching into Draco's crotch.

"Hey, those are the family jewels! Watch where you're grabbing woman!" He barked as Lavender pulled up the jar. 

"Aw, he's so cute." Lavender said, tapping on the glass.

"_Hey, watch it_!" Flako barked. Draco sighed and took the jar back.

"He's a little mistake of Snape's." Draco said, opening the jar and letting Flako onto the table. The others did also. Barry immediately went for the edge of the table, and of course Jon jumped on his mini broom ((A/N: Tee-hee, Bri, you and your naughty mind!)) and dived after him in a flurry of heroics. Before the quartet knew it, the entire Gryffindor table was crowded around to watch the anti-twin freak show.

"What's with yours Draco?" Seamus asked as Flako adjusted his boa and Draco tried to pretend he didn't exist.

"_Hey there cutie, want to fly on my mini broom_?" Flako asked, winking at Seamus. Everyone started to laugh, except for Seamus, and Draco (who started to bang his head repeatedly on the table). 

"Hey Harry, yours is a little…disturbed!" Ginny said, pointing at Barry who was sitting in the middle of table rocking back and forth. 

"Yeah, he, um, he's a little scared of everything." Harry said, looking at Barry with concern. "Hey Barry, you want some fruit or something…" Harry said, going to pick up Barry.

"_DON'T TOUCH ME_!" Barry said, jumping away and hitting the fruit bowl. 

"Barry, calm down." Ginny said, going to pick him up also.

"_GET AWAY! YOU VIRGIN! I'M A __PARTHENOPHOBIAC_!" he said, running back into his jar. Everyone started to laugh as Ginny's eyes filled with tears. She ran out of the hall and into the girl's bathroom for the rest of the morning.

"Like none of you knew she was a virgin." Ron scoffed.

"That can be changed." Draco said  mischievously. 

"Don't even think about it!" The gumdrop clan barked in unison. 

"Fine, ruin my fun." Draco said with fake disappointment. 

"So, what's yours like Hermione?" Neville asked.

"_I'm bad ass, that's what I'm like_!" Harmony chimed. "_What are you some kind of pig_!?" she asked, looking at Neville with disgust as his nose crinkled up. 

"_Oh, god! NOT A PIG_!" Barry cried, closing his jar tightly. 

"Jeeze, I thought your anti-twins were supposed to be your opposites!" Neville said, getting back up.

"And what is that supposed to mean!?" Hermione asked furiously. 

"I think what Neville is trying to say is that your anti twin is a bitch too!" Seamus said, before running back to the other side of the table with Neville and Dean. 

"_Want me to poison their kool-aid_?" Harmony asked Hermione as she sat fuming. 

"No, that would be wrong." Hermione said through gritted teeth.

"_SO_?" Harmony asked, wielding her switch blade and running towards the Gryffindork boys. 

~*~

            The next few days were long and stressful. Harry, Hermione, Ron and Draco had to be given their own small table at meals because of the complaints the staff was getting about their anti-twins. Seamus had been hit on 24 times by Flako. Dean, Neville, and Seamus were all complaining about stomach problems. Ginny had been harassed by Barry about being a virgin 16 times, and Jon was distracting all the girls.

"This bites." Ron said at dinner on Wednesday. 

"Only two more days Ron. Look, their wings are already starting to grow." Hermione said, pointing to the Harmony's back before taking a big bite of Lasagna.

"What is this?" Draco said, still not familiar with muggle food.

"Haven't you ever had Italian before?" Harry asked.

"No. I've never been there either. I want to though. Their wine is excellent." He said, poking at his food. 

"_I_ love _muggle food!" Flako exclaimed, taking a big bite of garlic bread. _

"Oh shut up!" Draco snarled pouring himself some Grape Gatorade ((A/N: GO GRAPE GATORADE!)).

"I can't wait till this whole thing is over…" Harry mumbled to himself as Barry tried to drown himself in his goblet of Gatorade.

"I am so sick of your whining Potta!" Draco said, stabbing his lasagna, making it spurt a little. 

"There's an 'R' in his name you know!" Hermione snapped, taking a bite of her garlic bread. Draco just glared at her, and they became engulfed in a serious glaring contest.

"Anyway," Ron said, rolling his eyes at the two egotistical teens, "I haven't been able to get any sleep with these too messing around all night!" Ron said, eyeing Barry and Jon.

"Yeah, I know," Harry said, leaning back and rubbing his eyes, "I'm surprised one of Barry's methods of suicide hasn't worked yet." He said as Barry headed for the edge of the table again. Jon pulled out his broom once more and dived for Barry.

"3…2…1…" Harry and Ron said in harmony. Right after '1' Jon had flown back up and dropped Barry back on the table. 

"_If I wasn't a __hemophobiac, I would so beat you to shit right now!" Barry yelled at Jon, waving his fist at him. Jon just rolled his eyes as he perched on his broom._

"_Hey, look who got some balls!' Harmony said, munching on some of the meat from the lasagna. _

"YOU BLINKED!" Draco cried, pointing at Hermione.

"I did not!" Hermione said defensively.

"I win, I win!" Draco said victoriously doing a little disco dance, humming "Saturday Night Fever".

"I thought you didn't know anything about muggles?" Harry asked. Draco stopped and looked at Harry incredulously, one hand still on his waist, the other pointing into the air. 

"What?" he asked, lowering his hand.

"That is muggle disco." Hermione said, with a smirk.

"Whatever, I think not. We do that kind of dancing at ever Death Eater Barbeque, right after the live sacrificials. Oops, I shouldn't have said that." Draco said sarcastically, sipping his Gatorade. 

"Sure…" Ron said, eyeing Draco wearily.

"But, the first half is true. You should see Voldy. He can sure Boogie-Woogie-Woogie. He won five competitions last summer." He said, smirking at Harry's angry face. 

"Whatever…I'm going to bed!" Harry said through gritted teeth. 

"_Can I come?" Flako asked. _

"NO!" Harry and Draco barked. 


	7. Fairy Land

~*Ok, my friend Bri said that if I post another chapter to this story that she would update on her story Toys. Go check it out, it's awesome!*~

Damaged Egos and Anti Twins

Chapter 7: Fairy Land

            By Saturday morning the anti twins' wings were fully grown. Snape had told the gumdrop clan (copyright Bri) and Draco to come straight to his office Saturday morning if that was the case. 

"Goo moring…" Draco slurred as he met Harry, Hermione and Ron in the hall in front of Snape's office. It was only 5:30 in the morning, and everyone was still drowsy and in their pajamas. 

"Nice PJs Draco." Ron said with a smirk as he tried futilely to tame his hair. 

"Hey, black satin is sexy! Oh, but you already know that!" Draco said, winking at Ron.

"SHUT UP! I AM NOT GAY!" Ron barked.

"Well…if your anti twin is straight…" Hermione said, her brow furrowing in thought.

"Who said he was straight!? He's always saving Barry!" Ron yelled, turning a bright red.

"WHAT IN HEAVENS-!" Snape barked in hysterics, coming out of his room in just his black and green Slytherin boxers and exaggerated fuzzy green slippers, a bat in hand. Hermione's eyes went wide at the size of his…well…you know. 

"Ahem…What are you doing here!?" Snape demanded trying to cover his…well…himself. 

"Sir, you said 5:30…didn't you?" Harry said, trying to divert his eyes from Snape's crotch. 

"No, Potta, I said SIX thirty." Snape sighed in frustration, running a hand through his bed headed hair. He let them in and he promptly covered himself with his robe. 

"So? Were they any trouble?" he asked as the four students dropped their anti twins out onto the table.

"Oh no, not at _all_! And they were more fun then a barrel full of monkeys!" Ron said sarcastically. 

"You mean like that barrel full of monkeys?" Hermione asked, pointing at a barrel labeled _Full of Monkeys_ across the room, where Barry had managed to get to in three seconds. 

"_Good bye cruel world_!" Barry cried, hurling himself into the barrel of screeching monkeys. 

"_I'll save you_!" Jon declared valiantly, pulling out his mini broom (Bri, you nasty girl!) and zooming over to Barry. Within a matter of minutes Jon and Barry were soaring back over to the table; much to the disappointment to the monkeys. 

"Yes…well…" Snape said as Jon let down a sobbing Barry. 

"_Hmm…_" Flako whispered to himself. He crept over to the side of the table, and then jumped off.

"_HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP_!" Flako cried as Jon dove after Flako. Jon rose back up as everyone watched him hold Flako securely in his lap; Flako's arms around his neck.

"_My hero_!" Flako cried, slapping a big wet one on Jon's mouth. 

"SEE! SEE! HE'S THE GAY ONE NOT ME!" Ron cried, pointing at Jon furiously. 

"Silence!" Snape shouted, making Jon and Flako stop making out, Barry stop rocking back and forth, and Harmony stop messing with her switch blade. 

"Now…all they need is this." Snape said, placing a small bottle of green liquid on the table. 

"One drop each. It will help their wings develop completely and then they can fly away to fairy land." He said, trying not to sound all whimsical. 

"Fairy land is an actual place?" Hermione asked (much in the way she asked her catch phrases [in an annoyingly high pitch]), finally breaking her stare from Snape's family jewels.

"Glad you decided to join the conversation. Yes, fairy land is a real place. There they can live and you will never see them again."

"GOOD!" Ron said, his nose crinkling in aggravation. Snape helped each anti twin consume a drop of the proclaimed 'icky' potion (labeled: Ickee). Each anti twin's wings started to stretch and flex as they became stronger and more developed. Flako's stretched out into beautiful shimmering purple wings, much to his happiness. Jon's were large and red, and clashed with his hair like every other red did. Barry's were dismal and gray, and Harmony's were pink, much to her disappointment. 

"_DAMN IT_!" she cried, cursing the world as she flew out the window, leaving a pink streak in her wake.

"Well, I guess it's off to another place where people will make fun of me…" Barry said glumly, leaving a smoky gray trail as he skulked out the window. 

"_Thanks for everything Draco_!" Flako said, giving Draco's ear a hug, "Jonny _and I never would have met if it wasn't for you!" he said, taking Jon's hand in his._

"Your welcome!" Ron said, happy that he had proved his heterosexuality. With that Jon and Flako flew out together, leaving everyone in the room gawking as their trails faded away. 

"So…Harry, was Barry straight?" Hermione asked, still throwing around the idea in her head.

"Um…I think he was scared of guys and girls!" he said with a laugh.

"Does that mean that you like both?" Draco said maliciously. 

"NO!" Harry said defensively, his cheeks going pink and his brow furrowing.

"Sure…" Draco said. 

"Hermione…was Harmony…um…straight?" Ron asked hopefully. Hermione grinned devilishly.

"_I'll never tell…_" she sang as she skipped out of the potions class room.  

"Hermione!" Ron cried, dashing after her.

Harry and Draco followed, Draco intrigued by Hermione's viciousness, Harry just curious. 

"Why me…" Snape said, rubbing his temples and going back into his room. 

~*FIN*~

Thank you for actually reading this far. I'd like to thank my reviewers:

Spar- Thank you for those four goods. It makes me feel so…good J 

Beezy- Thank you. I wanted it to be out there J

Haretsu- Draco isn't gay! Maybe bi…but that's all I'm giving you! J Yes Flako is awesome, and yes, I live Austin Powers. Thanks for reviewing.

BriDee- I'm so glad I made you equally perverted to myself. My mission in life has been fulfilled. And I agree that they should change Harry Potter: The Boy who lived into Harry Potter: Boy Who Lived to Blind Others with His Scary Smile

Amber Love- yes, perversion is contagious. Let's only hope it stays that way J

Lord Cynic- _Everyone_ is mad. 

Icy Flame- I'm glad you  enjoyed it J

Miakuluchi- Thank you for your words of…confidence…

Jeanne- Of course I want to jump in his pants. But they make him sound so nasty in the books, so I tried to stick with that them. I really want to jump in Alan Rickman's pants, but that's a whole other story J. As for the Irish Slang, the internet is a wonderful thing!

Thanks to all of you who review this last chapter who I will not be able to thank because…this…is the last chapter. I know, isn't it sad!?


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